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Samuel Benedict - Ropegun, Shipping and Receiving, Web Department, Secret Agent
I was having a hard time writing my own profile without making it apparent that I am a total narcissist. So I solicited the help of the brilliant Chris “Alpine” Thompson to write one for me. Every thing that Alpine wrote was true, but most of it was not appropriate for the general populace, or anyone with any kind of moral barometer. So without further ado, I present to you a heavily edited and censored version of Thompson’s masterpiece:
As I walked by the anatomy lab, and the smell of formaldehyde permeated my nostrils, I couldn’t help but reach for Marlboros and think of my own mortality – and sending.
My guns have inflated so much that the Alpine Thompson has started using them as forearm trainers. I am beyond hardcore. The only people who contend with my masculinity are: Jimmy Dunn, Rocky Balboa, Lisa “mini ME” Aquino, Fabio, and my own mustache. The only contention against my radness is my unique condescension, which cannot be separated from my sparkling personality.
I will send your project with a 40oz strapped to my harness, a hemp rope swamied to my muscular waist (I wear a harness only for the sake of racking my booze and smokes), and the grin of a man fueled by fast food and liquor.
Have you seen my car? The license plate says fresh and I’ve got dice in the mirror. I show up at the parties around 3am, working the angles to spread my anonymous genetics far and wide.
“You don’t think that this spreads me open like a turkey dinner during Thanksgiving?”
I’ve heard it all before, and I don’t care. It’s about me and the moment and that lump of crap that you call a mountain. I am Sam. Cower before me and feel the bulk of my angry masculinity.
Oh that Alpine, he knows me better than I know myself.
On a more relevant note; I am the shipping and receiving department for the independent retail juggernaut that is the Wilderness Exchange Unlimited. I was Dane’s apprentice in this discipline until he unexpectedly felt the Country just before my training was complete. I will never forgive him for this.
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